be nice. or DON'T.

A few days ago, I took a two-day trip to Franconia, New Hampshire, with family and friends. It was exactly what we needed: nature, lakes, good food, laughter, and an unnecessary four-mile hike that I was very clearly told would be two miles.

But I digress.

On the way home, we stopped at one of those country stores where you go in looking for absolutely nothing and somehow walk out carrying things you never knew you needed.

I found an I Love Lucy pillow for my sister Michelle. I found a sign that said, “Jesus Wants Us to Drink Beer,” which, frankly, felt like a reasonable gift for one of Abdou’s friends.

And then I saw it.

BE NICE OR LEAVE.

I took a picture. I thought it was cute. I figured I would post it on my stories as a little souvenir from the trip.

And then I went to bed.

This is usually where my brain decides that instead of sleeping, we should conduct a full performance review of every decision, interaction, mistake, awkward moment and unresolved emotional issue of the day.

And somewhere between replaying conversations and wondering if I should have said something differently three years ago, I thought:

Wait a minute. I’m falling for it again.

I am being told to be nice.

And actually… I’m not sure I want to be.

Now, before you call the authorities, allow me to provide some context.

I wholeheartedly believe that we are here to do good. Kindness is something I actively try to practice every day. I don't always succeed, obviously. I am a human being, not a greeting card.

I teach my children that everyone has a story. Everyone is carrying something you cannot see. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Lead with empathy. Be kind.

But this nice business?

That is different. And the difference comes from my lived experience. If your experiences have taught you that being nice is the way to go, I love that for you.

Me? No, thank you.

From a very young age, I was taught that being nice would get me very far in life.

Be nice all year long and Santa - or in my case - The Three Kings will bring you something.

Be nice and you will make friends.

Be nice and your teachers will like you.

Be nice and people will remember you.

Be nice and, apparently, the Tooth Fairy will put you on her list of preferred clients.

This whole conditioning around niceness is, quite frankly, some bullshit.

Being nice meant:

Don't argue.

Go along.

Don't make people uncomfortable.

If someone wrongs you, forgive them.

If someone slaps you, turn the other cheek.

This may have worked for Jesus.I can tell you it never worked particularly well for me.

I heard it at home. I heard it at church. I heard it at school.

And for many years, I was very, very nice.

Let's talk results, shall we?

During the years when I was dutifully walking the righteous path of being nice, I was also experiencing some of the most difficult and formative moments of my life.

And I was not equipped to deal with them.

Because somewhere along the way, I had learned to confuse being nice with being agreeable. And worse, I learned to take responsibility for other people's behavior.

Someone hurt me? What did I do wrong?

Someone crossed a boundary? Maybe I was being too sensitive.

Someone treated me badly? Perhaps I should be more understanding.

Someone took advantage of me? Maybe I should have been nicer.

Do you see the problem?

Being nice became a way of abandoning myself while convincing myself that I was being a good person. And that showed up everywhere.

Cheating boyfriends.

Unhealthy friendships.

Toxic workplaces.

And yes, the obligatory daddy and mommy issues.

Apparently, I was collecting life experiences like they were stamps. For a long time, I thought the answer was becoming less sensitive. Tougher. More accommodating. More forgiving. But after years of therapy and a lot of uncomfortable self-reflection, I finally understood something:

I don't have to be nice to be kind.

That distinction changed a lot for me - at the risk of sounding more dramatic than the protagonist of a Spanish telenovela - it changed my life.

I can be warm without being available to everyone.

I can be generous without being taken advantage of.

I can be compassionate without excusing bad behavior.

I can forgive you without giving you access to me.

I can disagree with you without disrespecting you.

I can say no without writing you a five-paragraph explanation.

I can walk away without making you the villain.

And perhaps most importantly, I can disappoint someone without believing I have done something wrong.

Because nice often asks us to manage how other people feel about us.

Kindness asks us to consider how our actions affect others.

Those are not the same thing.

Nice says, Don't make waves.

Kind says, Don't cause unnecessary harm.

Nice says, Keep the peace.

Kind says, Tell the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable.

Nice says, Be liked.

Kind says, Be human.

And sometimes being human means having boundaries, opinions, standards, anger, disappointment and a very clear understanding of what you will and will not tolerate.

So, back to that little sign in the country store.

BE NICE OR LEAVE.

The older version of me would have smiled, taken the picture and thought, Cute.

The woman I am becoming looked at it a little differently. Not as an instruction. Not as a threat. Just a reminder that I get to decide what kind of woman I want to be.

I want to be kind.

I want to be warm.

I want to be generous and thoughtful.

But I also want to be honest.

Maybe that is the real freedom for me: realizing that I don't need everyone to like me. I just need to like the woman I am becoming.

So I took the picture.

I smiled.

And left the store exactly as I was—just a little less interested in being nice for the sake of being nice. And maybe, just maybe that was the point of the sign all along: not “be nice,” but “you’re allowed to leave.”